Whether its your first time having sex ever, or your first time having sex with two vulva-owners, it can feel daunting. Exciting, but daunting. Before I first experienced being with another vulva owner, Google definitely saw some interesting searches from me using the phrases I identified with at the time – ‘How to have lesbian sex,’ ‘Lesbian sex positions,’ and of course, ‘How to go down on a woman.’ Every blog and podcast I stumbled upon gave the same golden words: ‘Just relax and go with it.’ Sure, it was great advice, but I wanted more about the mechanics of the operation. So, for those of you out there looking for exactly that, here goes…
Actually, two more things before I start: If you are indeed sexually attracted to a vulva owner, once you start making out, there is a fair chance the advice above is correct and you will indeed just automatically just relax. And you might be surprised that you just instinctively know what to do once you are aroused. And remember, every vulva owner is different, so don’t assume anything, and always ask for consent.
Okay so after that caveat, let’s talk logistics.
Like any notable sexual encounter, foreplay is important for anyone with a vagina. Take the time to explore each others bodies, checking in to ask where would they like to be touched. Exploring breasts for the first time can be exciting. If you’ve spent time exploring your own body, then you will have an inkling of what feels good for whoever you are with. In saying that, some breast-owners like soft tender movements, others like harder tweaking of the nipples. So ask. When caressing, ask, ‘Does this feel good’, or ‘How do you like to be touched? What turns you on?’ After all, there’s nothing sexier than open communication!
Spend a good amount of time on the foreplay. Foreplay is touching or teasing without touching the genitals. It can include physical, visual, scented or auditory stimuli. It not only builds the tension and gets you both aroused, but it gives you time to feel more comfortable, especially if this is your first time. Start moving down the body with permission. Tease with soft caressing around the thighs, touch lightly on the vulva over her underpants. Many vulva owners love to be teased; you can never tease long enough in my opinion. When ready, you might want to reach under her underwear and start moving your fingers around. Some people are dripping wet when aroused, others are not. We are all different and this is one of the biggest areas of difference: wetness. Again, just ask. Some people want lots of lubrication. Some people lubricate a lot and others naturally don’t. If you (with permission) insert a finger into their vagina and you feel wetness, you and can use that to lubricate the vulva and clitoris naturally. It’s always handy to have some lubricant nearby for those who naturally aren’t as lubricated, as well as those who like a top-up. Some people also like to saliva as a lubricant that they top up regularly. The key is to ask you partner what they like.
Have fun exploring down there. All vulva owners have different shaped vulvas. If you haven’t already, get to know the layout of your own clitoris, labia and vagina. The inner labia can be small on some and really exposed and large on others. Both are completely normal! Do your homework and don’t expect their vulva to look like yours. Some people have all their pubic hair, some are completely hairless and then there’s everything in-between. Some have dark coloured vulvas, whilst others are light. If you’re a bit nervous, visit my anatomy library page to check out the amazing work by Women’s Health Victoria showcasing photography of many different vulvas.
Okay, back to it! Don’t forget to keep checking in with your partner. Everyones pleasure down there is unique to them. Some people love to be penetrated with fingers, and some like exploring dildos or strap-ons, but for the first sexual experience, many leave the additional tools, so don’t stress too much about that. Others can’t bear being penetrated even the littlest bit, so external stimulation will be the focus. Some people enjoy a little caressing around their perineum (the area between the vagina and the anus). Some love being fingered over the vulva and clitoris, others love when you orally go down on them or lick them out. Again, just ask your partner what they want you to do, but don’t forget to consider what you enjoy and are comfortable doing. If something doesn’t appeal to you, suggest alternative or ask if there is something else they would like you to do. Never do something you don’t want to do.
Ah, ‘How do I go down on a vulva owner?’ I hear you ask. Start by getting yourself into a comfy position – you might be there for a little while! You may need to reposition your partners legs to make this happen. Play around with different techniques. Some clitoris owners like to just be licked, while others prefer some sucking action, and some like a mix. Many people like the tongue to focus on their clitoris, whilst others enjoy you licking inside the vagina or on their labia. Some like it hard and some like it soft. Some will come in a few minutes; others can be much, much longer. You’ll soon figure out what they like and what you enjoy doing. Remember that sex is a two-way (or more-way) party! If you can get your position right, it’s nice to free the hands up to touch other parts of their body whilst you are down on them such as massaging the nipples or other erogenous zones.
And finally, and perhaps most importantly, don’t set the expectation that your partner will orgasm. If they don’t, it’s not a reflection of you or your skills (especially if a bit of liquid courage was involved as alcohol inhibits the ability to orgasm). Studies have also shown that first time sex with any new partner often doesn’t end in orgasm. And not all people orgasm all the time, or ever. Like most of Google says, relax and just enjoy the moment!
Stacey x
