Discomfort during sex is a common issue that many individuals face. Communicating this discomfort can be challenging, due to both personal hesitations and concerns about the partner’s reaction. Many people decide not to speak up and instead suffer through the pain. I want to give you the tools to communicate your pain and explore intimacy without it taking over.
There are many reasons why people hesitate to discuss discomfort during sex, here are just a few:
- Fear of Ruining the Moment A significant reason people avoid discussing discomfort during sex is the fear of ruining the mood. Many worry that bringing up discomfort might interrupt the flow of intimacy or negatively impact their partner’s feelings. Results across multiple research studies, found around half of respondents reported that they didn’t speak up because they didn’t want to make the situation awkward or hurt their partner’s feelings.
- Prioritising Their Partner’s Pleasure Some individuals choose to stay silent about their discomfort because they prioritize their partner’s pleasure over their own comfort. About 31% of people in a recent survey by Ohnut mentioned that they didn’t speak up to avoid detracting from their partner’s experience or because they felt it would be more considerate to endure the discomfort.
- Cultural and Personal Shame Cultural expectations and personal feelings of shame can also play a role. Many individuals, influenced by societal norms or personal insecurities, may feel embarrassed or self-conscious about expressing discomfort. This can be compounded by feelings of inadequacy or the fear that their bodies are failing them.
- Perception of Pain as Normal For some, discomfort during sex is perceived as a normal or expected part of the experience. Approximately 30% of individuals reported that they believed pain or discomfort was a standard aspect of sex, which led them to avoid discussing it.
- Uncertainty About the Source of Discomfort Another factor is not being sure about the cause of the discomfort. Without a clear understanding of what is causing the pain, individuals may struggle to articulate their needs effectively. This uncertainty can make it difficult to address the issue in the moment.
Effective Ways to Communicate Discomfort:
- Use Verbal Communication Verbalizing discomfort is one of the most direct methods of communication. Examples include asking for a change in position, requesting a pause, or using explicit language to describe the pain. If you have experienced painful sex before, and have struggled to speak up, try discussing these strategies with your partner outside of a sexual experience. This might help reduce your desire to prioritise your partners needs in the moment and ensure clarity and avoid confusion.
- Body Language Changes in body language can also signal discomfort. Common signs include tensing up, pulling away, fidgeting, or avoiding eye contact. Recognising and communicating these non-verbal cues with your partner can help them understand your needs even when words are difficult to find.
- Sound Sounds, such as moans or exclamations, can indicate discomfort. But some moans can sound like pleasure, so you might need to assist your partner in interpreting these auditory signals so they can better understand that something needs to be addressed.
- Take Physical Action Physical adjustments, such as changing positions or using additional lubrication, can communicate (and sometimes alleviate) discomfort. For example, moving your partner’s hand or adjusting your own position can serve as a non-verbal cue to address the issue.
- Facial Expressions Facial expressions can reveal discomfort, often through grimaces or winces. Being aware of and discussing these expressions with your partner can help them recognise and respond to your needs more effectively.
- Have Your Partner Get in Tune With your Body Conversations outside of sex about all these factors above, can help them tune into your unique way of signalling pain and pleasure. Get curious and try these cues with platonic touch. For example, play an activity where you try different types of touch on arms of legs to test; pressure, pinching, light scratching, heavy scratching. Watch each other’s face and body language. Note what sounds you both make and notice how comfortable you both are to speak up about the sensations.
The Benefits of Speaking Up
Despite the challenges, communicating discomfort during sex, speaking up can significantly enhance the experience for both partners. Studies show that partners generally respond positively when their partner expresses discomfort. About 94% of partners react well or neutral, indicating that open communication is usually met with understanding and support.
Effective communication fosters trust and helps both partners work together towards a more enjoyable and comfortable sexual experience. By addressing discomfort openly, partners can build a deeper connection and improve their overall intimacy.
The main benefit of speaking up, is that you don’t keep reinforcing the idea to your brain and body that sex hurts. If this keeps getting reinforced, your brain which is your biggest sexual organ, may decide that sex is not safe for your body, and send out stronger pain signals next time you engage in it, in an effort to shut down an activity it has deemed not safe. Instead, speaking up allows you to address the pain and adjust so that your mind and body feels safe and listened to. When the brain feels unsafe, it is hard to experience desire.
In conclusion, while discussing discomfort during sex can be difficult, it is crucial for a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship. Understanding the reasons behind reluctance and employing effective communication strategies can lead to better outcomes for both partners. Prioritising open dialogue and mutual respect can transform sexual experiences and strengthen relationships.
